Fear. During the Stamford Commencement Speech in 2009, Steve Jobs mentioned about fear being a driving factor for people to live life to the fullest. On the contrary, living in fear of death day by day as cynical as it may sound, might just turn out to be true somewhere down the road.
During my repeat year, I lived my last half a year before the end year exam with the fear that I might repeat the past once more... i.e. screwing up my academic year. I could not afford for that to happen anymore. I could not bear the guilt as to the amount of time and $ I had put to waste. And more importantly, how could I let it happen in the first place? I just couldn't live with that face.
Fear, at the time, drove me to persevere. I can't recall the origin of this story but dad mentioned about a war general bringing his troops onto the enemy's shores. They were out-numbered and his men were far from confident in facing what lies just beyond the hills in their sight. The general ordered his men to burn all their ships. So the ships were decimated to ash and the men were furiously thinking of a way for them to get home! The general told his men that there is only one option left and that was to more forward and succeed in their coming triumphant battle. This sparked an intense determination among his men and they were as united as ever. Because, they had NO ALTERNATIVE.
This fear back then reminded me that I had no alternative but to get through the year. I've used it in 3rd year but with the hustle and bustle of internship applications and massive amounts of project work, this fear was not as intense. But this fear of mine was a double edged sword. Yea it reminded me of my lowest moments and it also haunts me as I am reminded of the misery I went through back then. This feeling just creeps around the bottom of my heart as I am busy with work in the foreground. I could feel it and it is distracting.
It is 2 years since then and I can still feel it holding me back and really affects my self esteem. Part of me just wants to get past this hurdle as fast as I can and part of me wants more time to work (hah yea weird but that's the feeling). Part of me just wants to get a job and part of myself just wants to do my best in my Exams!! Yea the smarter fellows would tell me to toughen up and do what matters in the short term first and cross the bridge as we come to it.
But I must not forget why I am still standing here in London. The reason I am going through this miserable life style and the reason why I had to in the first place. And that is to excel in my exams. I cannot screw up. I can not and I MUST NOT.
I'm just hoping that this coursework month would tide away this coming weekend so I could get a proper start on my revision. Exams are just about 2 months away and there is still the whole job search coming within the next few weeks. I pray for wisdom, a whole lot of luck and I pray for your blessing.
Until next time ;)
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